Horses have a way of bringing out the vulnerability in their riders. I remember that during my horseback riding days, nothing about me was hidden. For an example, when my instructor suggested that we do a canter on the lunge line, I had to put my foot down and say that I was not ready. By saying that, I was vulnerable to ridicule and shame. Yet I was thinking about the welfare of my horse, because he depended on me to be a confident leader. If I was uncomfortable with something, how could I make him comfortable with it? Fortunately, I was not ridiculed or shamed, since my instructor was very understanding and acknowledged my concern. However it was still exposing my vulnerability.
I will admit, opening up about my vulnerability outside of horseback riding has been a challenge. I have made steps here and there, yet what I am about to confess will openly make me vulnerable. I am almost twenty five years old, I do not have a driver’s license, I still live with my parents, I work part time once a week, and I am taking the steps to find a full time job that will allow me to use my writing talents, yet I really want to pursue my own writing at the same time.
The best way that I can describe this situation, is that it feels like a game of tug of war, yet it is pulling me in five directions instead of two. The first pull is my anxiety with the driving and acknowledgement that I accomplish milestones at a slower pace than others. The second is the yearning to please the ones who are closest to me and being mindful of how my situation impacts them. The third pull is realizing that I still have wounds from the past, and I am in the process of overcoming them. The fourth pull is that there are skills that I still have to learn how to master. The fifth and most strongest pull is pursuing what I truly want in life, and not conforming to the pressures that try to overrule my identity.
This is a complicated knot that I need to untangle, but I know that I will come out of it and giving up is not an option for me. Honestly, the point of this post is not to complain about my circumstances, but to emphasize that I do not have it all together, and I want others to know that they are not alone. I understand the feeling, you want to hide your vulnerability from the eyes of the world, because you are afraid of the repercussions that will follow. Yet, not opening up just makes you feel lonely, since you feel like there is nobody in the world that can relate. Therefore I am finding that writing this post is a blessing, because it is a way to reach others and will hopefully bring some comfort.
Here are my parting words to my readers, you are not losing your mind, you are not alone, I am right there with you and so are other people. Thank you for your time and may you find blessings in all that you do.