Do you ever have those moments when you have pushed a challenge aside, but then it mysteriously comes up? You are shocked yet humbled by the experience. That is was a blessing that happened to me last night, I was at a service group that I attend every Wednesday. Although our focus is on worship, we are also a support/family oriented group and help each other cope with personal matters. Anyway trust issues was the subject, while I'm not going to reveal all of the conversation, we did talk about lack of self trust, how it impacts ourselves and others. This is a challenge that I have faced for as long as I can remember.
Lack of self trust is still a broken part of me. There are situations when I remember the words of bullies or past mistakes, therefore I have been known to say things like, "I can't do anything right," "I'm worried that I'll mess that up," "I hope that I don't screw this up," If I do this, it might end up wrong." "I'm not that pretty." Nothing has ever been accomplished with me beating myself up, but for some reason I kept doing it until now.
Little did I know that my loved ones are wounded by those words too, and now I understand why. Their hearts are broken because they feel differently, also they question if I'm capable of growing out my lack of confidence, and if I can take charge during a time of need. I completely understand their perspective, and thank them with all my heart for being there for me during those darker times. All I want my loved ones to know, is that my spirit is strong enough to soar like these birds in this picture, and eager to fly through this challenge. It might take me some time to truly overcome my lack of self trust, I might slip through the cracks and make mistakes along the way. Yet I'm ready to take this as one of my many steps in restoring myself.
This reminds me of my experience with Baxter, a horse that I rode about six years ago. One of Baxter's quirks was that he would trot for a few steps and then slow down to a walk. My instructor told me to give him a kick once he started to slow down, and that would make Baxter pick up the pace again. I thought to myself, the last time that I kicked a horse that was slowing down, he cantered when I least expected it and I broke my hand. My thoughts must have been apparent in my kick, because Baxter picked up the pace for three steps and then immediately slowed to a walk.
My instructor did not yell at me and was aware of my previous fall. Therefore she was sympathetic, but did not cut me any slack. Her words following the incident was, "good attempt but you got to kick a bit harder next time with both legs." The praise with the feedback lifted my worries a bit, and the second time I managed to get Baxter to trot in a full circle without him slowing to a walk. From then on I became more aware of how my lack of self trust impacted horses, and it never crossed my mind how it has impacted the people that I know. At least I know now.
To those of you who are going through the same challenge or know someone is, remember that you are not alone and overcoming lack of self trust is possible. I have chosen to restore it through God, but I respect anyone who feels differently and would never influence their way of thinking. Thank you all so much for your support, and as always may you find blessings in all that you do!